I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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