Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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