You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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