I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
