Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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