You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
