Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
smell my finger.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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