My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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