I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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