a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You are the jesus of drinking
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
