Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
