look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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