if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
soo... how was my night?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
