I wish my penis had an off switch
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
