Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
