I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
