Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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