I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Congratulations! We have a period
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