you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
