The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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