You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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