I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
