hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
