Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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