dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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