I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
