he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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