I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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