If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
