I wish I only lived at night.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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