Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
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