Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
