guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
