You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
