I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
