smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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