i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
