I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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