Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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