Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
