When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
