i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
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