Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
