so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
