my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
