i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
