I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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