How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
