I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize