All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
