yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
