He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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