It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
