the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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