John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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