I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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