you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
