i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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