So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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