i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he was CRYING into my vagina
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
