a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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