What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
