Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
